El Guapo's Ghost Rambles on about the Red Sox

Jim Caple is one of my favorite sports writers. His work is usually humorous and connects sports to other aspects of life outside of the white lines. Jim Caple really needs a book deal! Below are excerpts of Caple’s latest Off Base column and my one cent (I am not worth two cents right now and definitely not 50 cents but I do love Caple’s work like a fat kid loves cake). http://espn.go.com/mlb/columns/caple_jim/1575224.html

Summer is here and the sky is as blue as a Dodgers cap, the wind is blowing out, the ground crew is dancing at second base, the garlic fries are so delicious that just the smell contains 300 calories and you're sitting in the front roooowwwww. – My breath smelled for a couple of days after I had garlic fries in Pittsburgh.

In honor of Barry Bonds, who stole his 500th base last week to go with his 600-plus home runs, I will stretch out in my leather recliner and not even acknowledge my spouse when she tells me it's time to mow the lawn. – This is pretty much the norm when I am in the chair.

In honor of Rickey Henderson, 44 years old but hitting .369 with seven stolen bases and seven home runs for minor-league Newark, I will refer to myself in the third person and tell my editors, "Jimmy wants a new contract.'' – Growing up, Rickey was my favorite non-Red Sox player until he signed with the Yankees.

Inspired by Albert Pujols, I will set out to win my slo-pitch softball league's triple crown: home runs, batting average and beers consumed. – No softball for me this season so I am just working the on beers consumed portion of the triple crown.

I will sign up for a summer physics course to find out for once and for all whether a corked bat helps you hit the ball farther. – Not for me. I believe in those guys from MIT.

I will buy a package of baseball cards, rip away the wrapper and thumb through the players so eagerly that I'll wind up with blisters. I will hermetically seal the Rocco Baldelli rookie card in a plastic case and place the Jeff Cirillo card in my bicycle spokes. – Mendoza instead of Jeff Cirillo - thank you very much.

I will not dine at any restaurants that require attire more formal than a Jason Giambi replica jersey. – How about a Bill Russell replica jersey?

I will not read the new Harry Potter book until I finish Michael Lewis' "Moneyball,'' David Halberstam's "Teammates,'' Rob Neyer's "Big Book of Lineups,'' Jim Bouton's "Foul Ball,'' and Stephen J. Gould's "Triumph and Tragedy in Mudville.'' – Potter can kiss my ass!

To celebrate the Fourth of July this weekend, I will watch the Yankees-Red Sox game and shout "No-mah is wicked awesome!'' so loud that the neighbors will call the police, because I'm drowning out their fireworks. – My neighbors do not like me already.